As I was doing research for this project, I mentioned to a friend what my focus was. She insisted that I get in touch with her cousin, who was transracially adopted at the age of 2 and has experienced issues involving substance abuse. I spoke with her cousin, and we had a brief interview over the phone, regarding her adoption, substance abuse, and what she thinks was the cause of her issues.
C. is a 24 year-old African-American, adopted at the age of two into a family that included an older brother. When C. was 6, her parents had another biological child, a sister. C. says that her childhood experience of her family was relatively idyllic, although she remembers feeling confused as to why she looked different from the rest of her family. Her largest concern as a child, she remembers with a laugh, was that she didn't have straight hair like the rest of her family members, and couldn't make a "long, shiny ponytail" like her mother's. Though her parents did discuss the fact that she was of different ethnic origin than they, C. recalls that her mother in particular was uncomfortable with such conversations, and always ended them by saying, "You're just the same as us; you're one of us; we love you as much as anyone ever could."
C. was raised in a largely Caucasian community, though she attended public school where there were other students of color. She remembers being asked by other students of color why her family was white, and she was black, and having a hard time explaining that she was adopted. As C. got older, she had mostly white friends, and did not see herself as being particularly different than her friends. "We all acted the same," she says, "and I knew that I looked different, but I wasn't all that concerned about it. No one ever really brought it up." As C. started middle school, and began to do things outside of school and home-based playdates with her friends, she began to notice that at stores and movie theaters, she garnered more attention than her Caucasian friends. "People stared, sometimes, and there were a few times when people looked suspicious of me." In high school, C. was called an "oreo": "I acted white, so I was white on the inside, but I was black on the outside. That was really tough -- I didn't know how else I was supposed to act." She began to smoke marijuana and drink on weekends, mostly as a social habit, but she remembers feeling that pot relieved her anxiety about "not being who or what I was supposed to be".
C. began to drink more heavily in her junior year of high school. "I was really interested in this one guy, who was black, and he partied a lot...so I partied to catch up, really." Eventually, she and the object of her affections became a couple. They drank and smoked marijuana together, and for the most part, he soothed her anxiety about her racial crisis. However, during their first fight, he accused her of "acting like a white girl but still pretending you're black", which she was extremely hurt by. Her marijuana and alcohol use escalated from that point forward, and soon she was drinking and smoking almost every day. C. started college, and was academically successful. A class in African-American history stunned her: "I felt like such an outcast. All of my classmates knew so much about the history of African-Americans, and I knew nothing. I was literally, like, speechless." C. grew angry with her parents for not "allowing" her to be in touch with her ethnic roots. "I felt like they had purposefully deprived me of something, like they didn't want me to know about where I came from or anything like that." She began to use cocaine, first as a weekend-only "fun thing", but then more and more frequently. Her grades dropped dramatically, and she lost interest in her classes.
When C. returned from her first year at college, her parents noticed a change in her demeanor, and asked that she go to a therapist. "She was white, I was 'white', so I didn't think it would be a problem," she says, "but after we talked a few times, I realized she had no idea where I was coming from." C. stopped attending therapy, and instead used the money that her parents gave her to pay for her sessions on cocaine. She lost dramatic amounts of weight, and experienced insomnia and depression. "When my parents figured out what was going on, they decided 'enough was enough', and sent me to a treatment facility." C. was able to connect with a therapist that specialized in adoption, and has been clean and sober for about 5 years.
When I asked C. if she thought that being adopted was the cause of her substance abuse, she said, "Yes and no. I think it was really hard for me to grow up in a place where I was so obviously different, but no one really talked about it that much. I didn't even think about it that much until people started pointing it out to me, as we got older, and then it was even harder to talk to my parents about it. But at the same time, my parents were really supportive when I did come to them with my issues...or my issues came to them, whatever...so I think that if I had been more comfortable talking to them about what was going on with me, I probably would have been able to skip that whole segment of my life. But maybe not, you know? Like, maybe my biological mom was a drug addict, or dad, or something. I don't really want to know about them at this point, because even though I think it'd be really neat to know more about myself genetically, I have my family, so it's whatever...If they came to me, I'm not sure I would want to talk to them or anything. I'd probably have to think about it for a really long time."
Wednesday
Facts About the Prevalence of Substance Abuse in Adoptees
- Adoptees have been shown to be 5.2% more likely to abuse drugs, and 2.6% more likely to abuse alcohol than their adoptive siblings and the general population
- Transracial adoptees whose parents discuss and acknowledge their biological and ethnic differences are less likely to develop substance abuse disorders than transracial adoptees whose parents maintain a viewpoint of "colorblindness", or refuse to acknowledge the apparent differences between them.
- 7% of a clinical sample of 600 patients receiving out-patient treatment for alcohol and drug abuse are adoptees.
- The older a child is when they are adopted, the more likely they are to develop substance abuse disorders and other mental health issues.
- A child who spends at least 6 months with their biological mother, who abuses drugs or alcohol, before being placed for adoption is one and a half times more likely to develop a substance abuse disorder.
- Transracial adoptees whose parents discuss and acknowledge their biological and ethnic differences are less likely to develop substance abuse disorders than transracial adoptees whose parents maintain a viewpoint of "colorblindness", or refuse to acknowledge the apparent differences between them.
- 7% of a clinical sample of 600 patients receiving out-patient treatment for alcohol and drug abuse are adoptees.
- The older a child is when they are adopted, the more likely they are to develop substance abuse disorders and other mental health issues.
- A child who spends at least 6 months with their biological mother, who abuses drugs or alcohol, before being placed for adoption is one and a half times more likely to develop a substance abuse disorder.
Brondzinksy's Stress and Coping Model of Adoption Adjustment
Brodzinsky, a leading theorist in the difficulties of adopted children, suggests a model of adoption adjustment that purports that the initial loss of the biological family and all biological ties, in combination with personality traits, mediated by biological and environmental factors, that lead to an individual's ability to use cognitive appraisal strategies of their situation (is it positive, irrelevant, or stressful) and cope with the stress that may arise based on their assessment, is responsible for the positive or negative adjustment of that person throughout their life. As this theory combines both the biological and environmental factors, do you think it is a fully comprehensive model? Are there other factors that should be more heavily considered?
The Psychology of Adoption by David M. Brondzinsky
The Psychology of Adoption by David M. Brondzinsky
Monday
Books Written For and By Adoptees
Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew
- Discusses anger, mourning, and shame experienced by adoptees, as well as the importance of adoption acknowledgment. Also provides case studies.
The Primal Wound: Understanding The Adopted Child
- Explains the complex processes that an adopted child faces throughout life, and how best to cope with difficulties that arise through adoption
Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness
- Details a variety of losses and gains that affect the development and coping mechanisms of adoptees, as well as psychological stages of development.
Lost and Found: The Adoption Experience
- Examines adoption from the perspective of the adoptee, adoptive parents, and biological parents
Twice Born: Memoirs of an Adopted Daughter
- Story of a seven-year old adoptee who struggles with the death of her biological parents and, upon adulthood, learning that her birth mother was alive.
Whose Child?: An Adoptee's Healing Journey from Relinquishment through Reunion
- Account of an adoptee's struggle with self-esteem, substance abuse, and intimacy
- Discusses anger, mourning, and shame experienced by adoptees, as well as the importance of adoption acknowledgment. Also provides case studies.
The Primal Wound: Understanding The Adopted Child
- Explains the complex processes that an adopted child faces throughout life, and how best to cope with difficulties that arise through adoption
Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness
- Details a variety of losses and gains that affect the development and coping mechanisms of adoptees, as well as psychological stages of development.
Lost and Found: The Adoption Experience
- Examines adoption from the perspective of the adoptee, adoptive parents, and biological parents
Twice Born: Memoirs of an Adopted Daughter
- Story of a seven-year old adoptee who struggles with the death of her biological parents and, upon adulthood, learning that her birth mother was alive.
Whose Child?: An Adoptee's Healing Journey from Relinquishment through Reunion
- Account of an adoptee's struggle with self-esteem, substance abuse, and intimacy
Adoption Blogs
AdoptionBlogs.com has an adoptees section, in which adoptees share their experiences, discuss the ins and outs of being adopted, provide support, and talk about a variety of common issues that adoptees experience. They have done a great job of creating an online community that is informative, supportive, and incredibly resourceful.
Intervention Episode 101: Gabe V.'s Follow-up
"Gabe and Allison return to tell their stories after they both faced interventions and treatment. Gabe used heroin to deal with the deep emotional scars caused by his adoption. Will Gabe ever be able to accept his family's love and support? Meanwhile, Allison, who was addicted to inhalants, visits home for the first time to try to make amends to the people she hurt."
Gabe's follow-up episode finds him in detox, feeling slightly resistant to the first stage of treatment. He seems to feel that the detox drugs he is being provided with are not sufficient, due to his daily patterns of use, and grows increasingly frustrated with the physical pain that he is experiencing through detox. He says, "The feelings that I hid from my adoption have been fifteen years building up inside, and I've been suppressing them by drugs...I just don't want to deal with it." He expresses that despite the fact that detox has relieved his physical symptoms of addiction, the anger that brought him to addiction has not yet been dealt with, and is "like a ticking time bomb". However, he finishes detox and is transferred to an in-patient treatment center.
The next stage of the follow-up, three months later, finds Gabe 93 days sober, and he seems very excited about being sober, although he does express that he is confused by the feeling of sobriety. His treatment facilitator says that, "Gabe really still has some very open wounds from his abandonment, so I think it is critical for Gabe's parents to tell Gabe that he is loved unconditionally, and that he is needed as part of the family unit." In order for this to be achieved, Gabe's entire family comes to visit, and together they sit with his primary therapist in order to work through some of the remaining issues. When Gabe is asked to express to his father what he needs from their relationship, he says, "I don't need anything from you guys...I don't deserve it." He feels that because his actions have caused his family so much pain, he does not deserve a relationship with them. His father expresses that he wishes that he could help Gabe work through his pain, and his mother expresses her unconditional love and adoration of her son: "You'll never know how much of a part of our hearts you are". She recalls a car ride in which a young Gabe told her that he looked in the mirror and believed that his eyes were "almost blue", and she felt pain for him because his eyes would never actually be blue, but the fact that his eyes were brown is a "treasure." Gabe leaves the session promptly.
He expresses to his therapist that he feels frustrated, and that what his parents were saying to him was "bullsh**t", and that the only thing that helped him feel safe was drugs, despite the destruction that they had caused. Back in the session, Gabe's therapist explains the stop-and-go nature of recovery, and that it is a continual process. He asks that the family respects Gabe's reluctance to continue. In a private session with his therapist, Gabe says that he believes he will always be alone, but that he needs to find a healthy way to deal with that feeling. He also says that his inability to accept love is preventing him from finding a new thing to define himself, away from drugs. He says, with tears rolling down his face, that "I thought if I was white, if my eyes were a different color, I would be able to be loved. But now I think, my family has given me the love, and they're just throwing it at me, and I cannot receive it. I can't catch it." He seems to feel incredibly frustrated, knowing that his family loves him, but not being able to open himself to it.
He says that it will be incredibly hard for him to make advances in his repairing his relationship with his family, but he is dedicated to making that progress. The episode ends with Gabe relapsing, leaving treatment, and returning home. He has enrolled in an outpatient program where he is tested for drugs daily, and has maintained sobriety.
The most interesting facet of Gabe's case is the outpouring of love that he was given by his family, and his consistent reiteration of a feeling of being unable to accept that love. It seems that Gabe felt that because he was of a different ethnicity than his family, he was less desirable and less deserving of the love that they heaped on him, despite their protestations. His drug use may not have provided him with the feelings of worth that he was lacking, but instead reinforced his feelings of failure, which created deeper feelings of unworthiness.
Gabe's follow-up episode finds him in detox, feeling slightly resistant to the first stage of treatment. He seems to feel that the detox drugs he is being provided with are not sufficient, due to his daily patterns of use, and grows increasingly frustrated with the physical pain that he is experiencing through detox. He says, "The feelings that I hid from my adoption have been fifteen years building up inside, and I've been suppressing them by drugs...I just don't want to deal with it." He expresses that despite the fact that detox has relieved his physical symptoms of addiction, the anger that brought him to addiction has not yet been dealt with, and is "like a ticking time bomb". However, he finishes detox and is transferred to an in-patient treatment center.
The next stage of the follow-up, three months later, finds Gabe 93 days sober, and he seems very excited about being sober, although he does express that he is confused by the feeling of sobriety. His treatment facilitator says that, "Gabe really still has some very open wounds from his abandonment, so I think it is critical for Gabe's parents to tell Gabe that he is loved unconditionally, and that he is needed as part of the family unit." In order for this to be achieved, Gabe's entire family comes to visit, and together they sit with his primary therapist in order to work through some of the remaining issues. When Gabe is asked to express to his father what he needs from their relationship, he says, "I don't need anything from you guys...I don't deserve it." He feels that because his actions have caused his family so much pain, he does not deserve a relationship with them. His father expresses that he wishes that he could help Gabe work through his pain, and his mother expresses her unconditional love and adoration of her son: "You'll never know how much of a part of our hearts you are". She recalls a car ride in which a young Gabe told her that he looked in the mirror and believed that his eyes were "almost blue", and she felt pain for him because his eyes would never actually be blue, but the fact that his eyes were brown is a "treasure." Gabe leaves the session promptly.
He expresses to his therapist that he feels frustrated, and that what his parents were saying to him was "bullsh**t", and that the only thing that helped him feel safe was drugs, despite the destruction that they had caused. Back in the session, Gabe's therapist explains the stop-and-go nature of recovery, and that it is a continual process. He asks that the family respects Gabe's reluctance to continue. In a private session with his therapist, Gabe says that he believes he will always be alone, but that he needs to find a healthy way to deal with that feeling. He also says that his inability to accept love is preventing him from finding a new thing to define himself, away from drugs. He says, with tears rolling down his face, that "I thought if I was white, if my eyes were a different color, I would be able to be loved. But now I think, my family has given me the love, and they're just throwing it at me, and I cannot receive it. I can't catch it." He seems to feel incredibly frustrated, knowing that his family loves him, but not being able to open himself to it.
He says that it will be incredibly hard for him to make advances in his repairing his relationship with his family, but he is dedicated to making that progress. The episode ends with Gabe relapsing, leaving treatment, and returning home. He has enrolled in an outpatient program where he is tested for drugs daily, and has maintained sobriety.
The most interesting facet of Gabe's case is the outpouring of love that he was given by his family, and his consistent reiteration of a feeling of being unable to accept that love. It seems that Gabe felt that because he was of a different ethnicity than his family, he was less desirable and less deserving of the love that they heaped on him, despite their protestations. His drug use may not have provided him with the feelings of worth that he was lacking, but instead reinforced his feelings of failure, which created deeper feelings of unworthiness.
7 Core Issues in Adoption
According to the Center for Adoption Support and Education, which provides post-adoption services to families and individuals in the greater Washington D.C. area, there are seven core issues that arise in adoptees:
LOSS: The adoptee fears ultimate abandonment, and feels a loss of biological, genetic, and cultural history. They display issues of "holding on and letting go".
REJECTION: The adoptee views their biological parents' placing them for adoption as a personal rejection. This brings to light issues of self-esteem, rejection-anticipation, and the misperception of situations that involve rejection/acceptance.
GUILT/SHAME: The adoptee feels that they deserve any misfortune that may befall them. They feel ashamed of being different, whether biologically, ethnically/racially, or otherwise, and this often results in them taking a defensive, angry stance.
GRIEF: Grief that was overlooked in childhood or was blocked by the adult adoptee often results in the adoptee becoming depressed and acting out. One type of grief that surfaces often is that of a "lack of fit" in the adoptive family.
IDENTITY: The integration of an adoptee's identity may be hindered by a lack of information about their birth parents, place of birth, the circumstances around their adoption, etc. This is seen to manifest in early pregnancy and/or extreme behaviors that indicate a desire to feel a sense of belonging.
INTIMACY & RELATIONSHIPS: Adoptees often fear developing close bonds with others, as it puts them at risk for repeating their earlier losses (the loss of birth parents). These bonding issues can lead to a decreased capacity for intimacy. Adult adoptees are also often fearful of committing incest with an unrecognized biological relative.
CONTROL/GAINS: Because adoptees were not part of the initial adoption process and the decisions that were made, and the adoption has seemingly altered their life, they feel that they are suffering from a lack of control in their own lives.
Almost all of these factors, aside from Intimacy/Relationships, could manifest in substance abuse/use.
LOSS: The adoptee fears ultimate abandonment, and feels a loss of biological, genetic, and cultural history. They display issues of "holding on and letting go".
REJECTION: The adoptee views their biological parents' placing them for adoption as a personal rejection. This brings to light issues of self-esteem, rejection-anticipation, and the misperception of situations that involve rejection/acceptance.
GUILT/SHAME: The adoptee feels that they deserve any misfortune that may befall them. They feel ashamed of being different, whether biologically, ethnically/racially, or otherwise, and this often results in them taking a defensive, angry stance.
GRIEF: Grief that was overlooked in childhood or was blocked by the adult adoptee often results in the adoptee becoming depressed and acting out. One type of grief that surfaces often is that of a "lack of fit" in the adoptive family.
IDENTITY: The integration of an adoptee's identity may be hindered by a lack of information about their birth parents, place of birth, the circumstances around their adoption, etc. This is seen to manifest in early pregnancy and/or extreme behaviors that indicate a desire to feel a sense of belonging.
INTIMACY & RELATIONSHIPS: Adoptees often fear developing close bonds with others, as it puts them at risk for repeating their earlier losses (the loss of birth parents). These bonding issues can lead to a decreased capacity for intimacy. Adult adoptees are also often fearful of committing incest with an unrecognized biological relative.
CONTROL/GAINS: Because adoptees were not part of the initial adoption process and the decisions that were made, and the adoption has seemingly altered their life, they feel that they are suffering from a lack of control in their own lives.
Almost all of these factors, aside from Intimacy/Relationships, could manifest in substance abuse/use.
The Child Welfare Information Gateway
The Child Welfare Information Gateway (CWIG) is a service provided by the Children's Bureau, a program of the Administration for Children and Families (ACF), which is an agency of the US Department of Health and Human Services. ACF provides general information about adoption, and is mostly geared towards families looking to adopt. CWIG, on the other hand, offers a bounty of resources for adoptees. Here is a list of post-adoption services available in different states. The organizations listed provide not only counseling to adoptive families, but also to adoptees who may be struggling. CWIG's website also has a search form that helps adoptees find general support (and support groups), mental health services geared towards adoptees, in their state.
The organization also provides a list of tips for finding an adoption therapist. Adoption therapists can be utilized both by adoptees struggling to come to terms with their adoption and the issues surrounding it, as well as adoptive families who are either struggling with their adoption or have identified issues within their adopted child that they believe require the assistance of a mental health professional. The fact sheet is extremely comprehensive, in that it does not assume that every individual is familiar with the different types of mental health professionals, types of therapy, or how to go about locating the correct therapist. It also identifies types of therapy that have been indicated to be particularly helpful for adoptees and adoptive families, and gives advice on medical insurance and payment for therapy.
The organization also provides a list of tips for finding an adoption therapist. Adoption therapists can be utilized both by adoptees struggling to come to terms with their adoption and the issues surrounding it, as well as adoptive families who are either struggling with their adoption or have identified issues within their adopted child that they believe require the assistance of a mental health professional. The fact sheet is extremely comprehensive, in that it does not assume that every individual is familiar with the different types of mental health professionals, types of therapy, or how to go about locating the correct therapist. It also identifies types of therapy that have been indicated to be particularly helpful for adoptees and adoptive families, and gives advice on medical insurance and payment for therapy.
Resources Available
If you or someone you know is struggling with substance and/or alcohol dependence, the amount of resources that are available can be overwhelming and confusing. Here are a few helpful links that will hopefully be able to guide you in your search for assistance for yourself or your loved one.
Substance Abuse Treatment Facilities By State
13 Questions to Ask When Choosing An Addiction Treatment Program
Support for Family Members of Addicts
National Substance Abuse Index
You can also try calling 1-800-622-HELP or 1-888-4AL-ANON.
Substance Abuse Treatment Facilities By State
13 Questions to Ask When Choosing An Addiction Treatment Program
Support for Family Members of Addicts
National Substance Abuse Index
You can also try calling 1-800-622-HELP or 1-888-4AL-ANON.
Tuesday
Intervention Episode 87: Gabe
Intervention Episode 87: Gabe
"When he was three, Gabe's mother abandoned him on the streets of Calcutta, but he was adopted by a young American couple. Gabe seemed happy in America, but he secretly felt like an outsider. In high school he started to rebel and resent his Christian upbringing. He began using marijuana and cocaine, and later graduated to heroin. Then he squandered all of the $37,500 he received after a car accident to support his drug habit. Now the family fears that without an intervention, Gabe's addiction and depression will soon lead to his death."
Gabe expresses in the beginning of the episode that he feels that he should be grateful for the fact that his parents "picked" him, as he was born in a city with 3 million street children, any of whom his parents could easily have adopted instead of him. However, he adds that he feels an unconquerable "pain inside" that leads him to use heroin and cocaine up to 12 times a day.
Gabe's parents indicate that while they both agreed from the beginning of their marriage that they wanted to have a large family of both adopted and biological children, that felt compelled to adopt a child from a poor area due to their Christian faith. When Gabe was adopted, his parents already had four biological children. Gabe, originally named "Mangal" was three and half when he was adopted, and had been abandoned by his birth mother on the streets of Calcutta. The episode includes home video of Gabe's parents on their way to pick him up from the airport, and in a present-day voice over, his mother says, "We saw anxiety written all over the face of a three year old". Gabe says that he does not recall much about the events before his adoption, or meeting his adoptive parents, except for them handing him balloons and toys.
His mother says that Gabe bonded easily to his new family, and seemed very happy as a child. He expresses himself that he felt that his family was "the perfect family". He and his adoptive brother Matt, who was the same age, were very close growing up, and Matt indicates that he never felt, despite differences pointed out to him by outsiders, that Gabe was different from the rest of the family. Gabe says, "They tried their hardest to include me to be part of the family, but whenever we'd go out, people would see me and see the family and ask me questions about how do I feel about not being part of the family." His mother remembers Gabe saying, "You just don't know what it's like to look in a picture, and every face is white, and you're the only brown one."
Gabe recalls one incident in which he and his brother Matt got into a shoving fight, and when Matt fell and hit his head, their grandfather said, "You shouldn't be part of this family...You're not part of this family...I hate you!" Gabe remembers feeling very angry towards himself for pushing Matt, and thinking "Why did I have to be adopted? Why do I have to be in this family?" He indicates that he felt unwanted, and it was at that point that he decided that because he was not biologically related to his family, he was not truly part of the family. However, the family never discussed "the truth" that Gabe was "not one of their own". Gabe's sister remarks that she does not think her parents were prepared for the rejection and hurt that would arise from the adoption, and because Gabe never talked about what he was going through, it was hard for the family to know what was going on.
Gabe became depressed, and withdrew from the family. He indicates that although the rest of his family is extremely religious, he does not believe in God, despite the fact that he attended weekly church services throughout his adolescence. His father says that he wants his children to be happy, and the only way he knows that happiness can be achieved is by following the word of God, and believing wholeheartedly in the powers of God. His father indicates that he felt Gabe rejected the family's love and authority, "everything about us that he could reject", which was very hard on his parents. Gabe was sent to a Christian school following an incident at age 14, where he stole a truck from the church, and was expelled at age 15, following a fight that resulted in the other student being knocked out. His parents did not fight the expulsion, and Gabe felt that he was being judged because of his skin color. At age 16, he began using cocaine and marijuana. He says that the drugs helped him deal with his depression, and allowed him to talk to his friends about the pain that he was going through.
When Gabe was 18, after his parents gave him multiple chances to stop using drugs, he was kicked out of the family home. His sister remembers Gabe as "seething with anger". His father remarks that "We know that he suffered rejection in the past, and we're thinking, 'He's gonna interpret this as rejection, again,' and yet, you still have to live by principle." When Gabe moved out, he began using heroin, which he says was "dependable...it wasn't going to hurt or abandon me". In about a year, Gabe has spent over $37,000 on drugs.
"My mom doesn't understand because she's never been there," Gabe says, "Nobody can answer who my mom is, who my dad is, how many brothers and sisters I really have. When you haven't been adopted, when you haven't been left to die, you can't understand...My whole family has had it easy." Despite all the attempts that Gabe's family has made to understand his struggles and help him, he says that they will never understand because they haven't been in his position, and continues to reject their love and support. The only person that Gabe feels understands him at all is his sister Melissa, because he feels she is not as judgmental and "hardcore" as the rest of the family. Unfortunately, Melissa tends to enable Gabe's addictive behaviors because she does not see any other way that he would continue to spend time with her.
Gabe indicates that he feels his father is locked in a religious mindpoint, and does not listen to what Gabe has to say. He feels that his father is not there for him, and there is no point in trying to speak to his father because he will just judge him and expect him to "look to God...but there's more to it. There's anger, there's pain." Gabe's father, at the same time, says that he wishes that Gabe would come to him in his time of need, because it is his greatest desire to help his children work through their problems.
"Everyone says, 'Oh, of course he's part of the family. He's one of us.' But I'm not," Gabe says. Despite his family members expressing how terrified they are by his addiction, and the sadness that his misery brings them, he continues to deny that they can understand what he is going through because they have not been through a similar experience. His interventionist, Candi Finnigan, who was adopted and is a recovering addict, says that Gabe's "family of origin" trauma arises from his abadonment. The fact that she has personal experience with adoption and addiction brings great relief to Gabe's family while preparing for his intervention. Finnigan says from Gabe's perspective, "It's everybody else's fault...I do it because you don't love me the way you love everybody else. I do it because I look different. I do it because I feel different." She identifies that his family's intense faith causes Gabe to feel that he has failed them, and it allows him to further separate himself from the family.
During the intervention, Gabe's mother recalls tucking him into his new bed on the night that they brought him home, and telling him that she loved him in Bengali, the only language he knew up to that point. At first, Gabe seems resistant to the idea of entering treatment, but after hearing from his family members, he agrees to go. Though he says that his body is telling him to run, he enters detox and treatment. His therapist at the recovery center says, "I think for Gabe, he wants to be in control in terms of how much he trusts people, but he wants to have people in his life...You can see it." Gabe expresses that when he completes treatment, he would like to go to college and study psychology so that he can help children. His parents are attending twelve-step meetings. Gabe relapsed twice during treatment, but remained in the program, and returned to his hometown after five months. He has plans to move into sober living, and has been sober since March 2009.
"When he was three, Gabe's mother abandoned him on the streets of Calcutta, but he was adopted by a young American couple. Gabe seemed happy in America, but he secretly felt like an outsider. In high school he started to rebel and resent his Christian upbringing. He began using marijuana and cocaine, and later graduated to heroin. Then he squandered all of the $37,500 he received after a car accident to support his drug habit. Now the family fears that without an intervention, Gabe's addiction and depression will soon lead to his death."
Gabe expresses in the beginning of the episode that he feels that he should be grateful for the fact that his parents "picked" him, as he was born in a city with 3 million street children, any of whom his parents could easily have adopted instead of him. However, he adds that he feels an unconquerable "pain inside" that leads him to use heroin and cocaine up to 12 times a day.
Gabe's parents indicate that while they both agreed from the beginning of their marriage that they wanted to have a large family of both adopted and biological children, that felt compelled to adopt a child from a poor area due to their Christian faith. When Gabe was adopted, his parents already had four biological children. Gabe, originally named "Mangal" was three and half when he was adopted, and had been abandoned by his birth mother on the streets of Calcutta. The episode includes home video of Gabe's parents on their way to pick him up from the airport, and in a present-day voice over, his mother says, "We saw anxiety written all over the face of a three year old". Gabe says that he does not recall much about the events before his adoption, or meeting his adoptive parents, except for them handing him balloons and toys.
His mother says that Gabe bonded easily to his new family, and seemed very happy as a child. He expresses himself that he felt that his family was "the perfect family". He and his adoptive brother Matt, who was the same age, were very close growing up, and Matt indicates that he never felt, despite differences pointed out to him by outsiders, that Gabe was different from the rest of the family. Gabe says, "They tried their hardest to include me to be part of the family, but whenever we'd go out, people would see me and see the family and ask me questions about how do I feel about not being part of the family." His mother remembers Gabe saying, "You just don't know what it's like to look in a picture, and every face is white, and you're the only brown one."
Gabe recalls one incident in which he and his brother Matt got into a shoving fight, and when Matt fell and hit his head, their grandfather said, "You shouldn't be part of this family...You're not part of this family...I hate you!" Gabe remembers feeling very angry towards himself for pushing Matt, and thinking "Why did I have to be adopted? Why do I have to be in this family?" He indicates that he felt unwanted, and it was at that point that he decided that because he was not biologically related to his family, he was not truly part of the family. However, the family never discussed "the truth" that Gabe was "not one of their own". Gabe's sister remarks that she does not think her parents were prepared for the rejection and hurt that would arise from the adoption, and because Gabe never talked about what he was going through, it was hard for the family to know what was going on.
Gabe became depressed, and withdrew from the family. He indicates that although the rest of his family is extremely religious, he does not believe in God, despite the fact that he attended weekly church services throughout his adolescence. His father says that he wants his children to be happy, and the only way he knows that happiness can be achieved is by following the word of God, and believing wholeheartedly in the powers of God. His father indicates that he felt Gabe rejected the family's love and authority, "everything about us that he could reject", which was very hard on his parents. Gabe was sent to a Christian school following an incident at age 14, where he stole a truck from the church, and was expelled at age 15, following a fight that resulted in the other student being knocked out. His parents did not fight the expulsion, and Gabe felt that he was being judged because of his skin color. At age 16, he began using cocaine and marijuana. He says that the drugs helped him deal with his depression, and allowed him to talk to his friends about the pain that he was going through.
When Gabe was 18, after his parents gave him multiple chances to stop using drugs, he was kicked out of the family home. His sister remembers Gabe as "seething with anger". His father remarks that "We know that he suffered rejection in the past, and we're thinking, 'He's gonna interpret this as rejection, again,' and yet, you still have to live by principle." When Gabe moved out, he began using heroin, which he says was "dependable...it wasn't going to hurt or abandon me". In about a year, Gabe has spent over $37,000 on drugs.
"My mom doesn't understand because she's never been there," Gabe says, "Nobody can answer who my mom is, who my dad is, how many brothers and sisters I really have. When you haven't been adopted, when you haven't been left to die, you can't understand...My whole family has had it easy." Despite all the attempts that Gabe's family has made to understand his struggles and help him, he says that they will never understand because they haven't been in his position, and continues to reject their love and support. The only person that Gabe feels understands him at all is his sister Melissa, because he feels she is not as judgmental and "hardcore" as the rest of the family. Unfortunately, Melissa tends to enable Gabe's addictive behaviors because she does not see any other way that he would continue to spend time with her.
Gabe indicates that he feels his father is locked in a religious mindpoint, and does not listen to what Gabe has to say. He feels that his father is not there for him, and there is no point in trying to speak to his father because he will just judge him and expect him to "look to God...but there's more to it. There's anger, there's pain." Gabe's father, at the same time, says that he wishes that Gabe would come to him in his time of need, because it is his greatest desire to help his children work through their problems.
"Everyone says, 'Oh, of course he's part of the family. He's one of us.' But I'm not," Gabe says. Despite his family members expressing how terrified they are by his addiction, and the sadness that his misery brings them, he continues to deny that they can understand what he is going through because they have not been through a similar experience. His interventionist, Candi Finnigan, who was adopted and is a recovering addict, says that Gabe's "family of origin" trauma arises from his abadonment. The fact that she has personal experience with adoption and addiction brings great relief to Gabe's family while preparing for his intervention. Finnigan says from Gabe's perspective, "It's everybody else's fault...I do it because you don't love me the way you love everybody else. I do it because I look different. I do it because I feel different." She identifies that his family's intense faith causes Gabe to feel that he has failed them, and it allows him to further separate himself from the family.
During the intervention, Gabe's mother recalls tucking him into his new bed on the night that they brought him home, and telling him that she loved him in Bengali, the only language he knew up to that point. At first, Gabe seems resistant to the idea of entering treatment, but after hearing from his family members, he agrees to go. Though he says that his body is telling him to run, he enters detox and treatment. His therapist at the recovery center says, "I think for Gabe, he wants to be in control in terms of how much he trusts people, but he wants to have people in his life...You can see it." Gabe expresses that when he completes treatment, he would like to go to college and study psychology so that he can help children. His parents are attending twelve-step meetings. Gabe relapsed twice during treatment, but remained in the program, and returned to his hometown after five months. He has plans to move into sober living, and has been sober since March 2009.
Find My Family
ABC recently debuted a new show called "Find My Family", which centers around reunions between adoptees, birth parents, and birth families. Both hosts of the show are adopted. I watched the first episode this afternoon, which centered around Ashley's search for her biological brother, and Jamie's search for her biological mother. Both the biological brother and mother were open to meeting and re-connecting with the young women, and the reunions were joyful and inspiring. However, I do feel that the show glosses over the ups and downs of adoption, particularly for two reasons:
1) Ashley learned, upon reuniting with her brother (and a surprising guest, her younger biological sister) that until their teen years, her siblings were told that they had a sister who died at birth. They had no idea that she had been given up for adoption. Ashley remarked that she was not angry at her biological parents for giving her up because they were in the financial position to raise another baby at that time and she considers herself to be "high maintenance". The fact that her siblings grew up thinking that she had died was barely discussed. While I understand that the show was not created with the intention of being a therapeutic resource, I am slightly disappointed that there was no attempt (at least on-air) by the producers to provide such a resource to the participants.
2) Jamie, a woman of color, was adopted by an all-white family. The discussion of the trans-racial adoption is brief: Jamie says that there were never any issues of race within her family. However, I find it hard to believe that being raised by an all-white family in an all-white community was smooth-sailing, particularly since Jamie seemed so driven to meet her birth mother. Transracial adoption is a difficult situation for all parties involved -- there are many explanations that must be made, understandings that must be developed, and difficulty siutations to be navigated. It seems almost irresponsible to present it in such a blemish-free light.
What do you think of the show? Is it an accurate representation of the feelings of adoptees and biological families? Are there missing facets? Does the show provide a deep enough look at adoption, or do you think that it glosses over important issues regarding adoption? Reunion with the biological family is purported by many adoption specialists to be extremely cathartic in that it allows the adoptee to form a more coherent sense of themselves. Do you think that the show provides those means?
1) Ashley learned, upon reuniting with her brother (and a surprising guest, her younger biological sister) that until their teen years, her siblings were told that they had a sister who died at birth. They had no idea that she had been given up for adoption. Ashley remarked that she was not angry at her biological parents for giving her up because they were in the financial position to raise another baby at that time and she considers herself to be "high maintenance". The fact that her siblings grew up thinking that she had died was barely discussed. While I understand that the show was not created with the intention of being a therapeutic resource, I am slightly disappointed that there was no attempt (at least on-air) by the producers to provide such a resource to the participants.
2) Jamie, a woman of color, was adopted by an all-white family. The discussion of the trans-racial adoption is brief: Jamie says that there were never any issues of race within her family. However, I find it hard to believe that being raised by an all-white family in an all-white community was smooth-sailing, particularly since Jamie seemed so driven to meet her birth mother. Transracial adoption is a difficult situation for all parties involved -- there are many explanations that must be made, understandings that must be developed, and difficulty siutations to be navigated. It seems almost irresponsible to present it in such a blemish-free light.
What do you think of the show? Is it an accurate representation of the feelings of adoptees and biological families? Are there missing facets? Does the show provide a deep enough look at adoption, or do you think that it glosses over important issues regarding adoption? Reunion with the biological family is purported by many adoption specialists to be extremely cathartic in that it allows the adoptee to form a more coherent sense of themselves. Do you think that the show provides those means?
Welcome!
The purpose of this blog is to provide information about the prevalence of substance abuse (and other maladaptive coping strategies) in adult adoptees, and to provide resources to adoptees who have developed substance ab/use issues and are looking to make positive changes in their coping strategies and come to terms with their personal feelings surrounding their adoption.
Inspired by a final project for my Culture, Ethnicity, and Mental Health class at Eugene Lang College, I hope that you will find the blog to be informative and helpful.
Inspired by a final project for my Culture, Ethnicity, and Mental Health class at Eugene Lang College, I hope that you will find the blog to be informative and helpful.
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