Intervention Episode 87: Gabe

Intervention Episode 87: Gabe
"When he was three, Gabe's mother abandoned him on the streets of Calcutta, but he was adopted by a young American couple. Gabe seemed happy in America, but he secretly felt like an outsider. In high school he started to rebel and resent his Christian upbringing. He began using marijuana and cocaine, and later graduated to heroin. Then he squandered all of the $37,500 he received after a car accident to support his drug habit. Now the family fears that without an intervention, Gabe's addiction and depression will soon lead to his death."

Gabe expresses in the beginning of the episode that he feels that he should be grateful for the fact that his parents "picked" him, as he was born in a city with 3 million street children, any of whom his parents could easily have adopted instead of him. However, he adds that he feels an unconquerable "pain inside" that leads him to use heroin and cocaine up to 12 times a day.

Gabe's parents indicate that while they both agreed from the beginning of their marriage that they wanted to have a large family of both adopted and biological children, that felt compelled to adopt a child from a poor area due to their Christian faith. When Gabe was adopted, his parents already had four biological children. Gabe, originally named "Mangal" was three and half when he was adopted, and had been abandoned by his birth mother on the streets of Calcutta. The episode includes home video of Gabe's parents on their way to pick him up from the airport, and in a present-day voice over, his mother says, "We saw anxiety written all over the face of a three year old". Gabe says that he does not recall much about the events before his adoption, or meeting his adoptive parents, except for them handing him balloons and toys.

His mother says that Gabe bonded easily to his new family, and seemed very happy as a child. He expresses himself that he felt that his family was "the perfect family". He and his adoptive brother Matt, who was the same age, were very close growing up, and Matt indicates that he never felt, despite differences pointed out to him by outsiders, that Gabe was different from the rest of the family. Gabe says, "They tried their hardest to include me to be part of the family, but whenever we'd go out, people would see me and see the family and ask me questions about how do I feel about not being part of the family." His mother remembers Gabe saying, "You just don't know what it's like to look in a picture, and every face is white, and you're the only brown one."

Gabe recalls one incident in which he and his brother Matt got into a shoving fight, and when Matt fell and hit his head, their grandfather said, "You shouldn't be part of this family...You're not part of this family...I hate you!" Gabe remembers feeling very angry towards himself for pushing Matt, and thinking "Why did I have to be adopted? Why do I have to be in this family?" He indicates that he felt unwanted, and it was at that point that he decided that because he was not biologically related to his family, he was not truly part of the family. However, the family never discussed "the truth" that Gabe was "not one of their own". Gabe's sister remarks that she does not think her parents were prepared for the rejection and hurt that would arise from the adoption, and because Gabe never talked about what he was going through, it was hard for the family to know what was going on.

Gabe became depressed, and withdrew from the family. He indicates that although the rest of his family is extremely religious, he does not believe in God, despite the fact that he attended weekly church services throughout his adolescence. His father says that he wants his children to be happy, and the only way he knows that happiness can be achieved is by following the word of God, and believing wholeheartedly in the powers of God. His father indicates that he felt Gabe rejected the family's love and authority, "everything about us that he could reject", which was very hard on his parents. Gabe was sent to a Christian school following an incident at age 14, where he stole a truck from the church, and was expelled at age 15, following a fight that resulted in the other student being knocked out. His parents did not fight the expulsion, and Gabe felt that he was being judged because of his skin color. At age 16, he began using cocaine and marijuana. He says that the drugs helped him deal with his depression, and allowed him to talk to his friends about the pain that he was going through.

When Gabe was 18, after his parents gave him multiple chances to stop using drugs, he was kicked out of the family home. His sister remembers Gabe as "seething with anger". His father remarks that "We know that he suffered rejection in the past, and we're thinking, 'He's gonna interpret this as rejection, again,' and yet, you still have to live by principle." When Gabe moved out, he began using heroin, which he says was "dependable...it wasn't going to hurt or abandon me". In about a year, Gabe has spent over $37,000 on drugs.

"My mom doesn't understand because she's never been there," Gabe says, "Nobody can answer who my mom is, who my dad is, how many brothers and sisters I really have. When you haven't been adopted, when you haven't been left to die, you can't understand...My whole family has had it easy." Despite all the attempts that Gabe's family has made to understand his struggles and help him, he says that they will never understand because they haven't been in his position, and continues to reject their love and support. The only person that Gabe feels understands him at all is his sister Melissa, because he feels she is not as judgmental and "hardcore" as the rest of the family. Unfortunately, Melissa tends to enable Gabe's addictive behaviors because she does not see any other way that he would continue to spend time with her.

Gabe indicates that he feels his father is locked in a religious mindpoint, and does not listen to what Gabe has to say. He feels that his father is not there for him, and there is no point in trying to speak to his father because he will just judge him and expect him to "look to God...but there's more to it. There's anger, there's pain." Gabe's father, at the same time, says that he wishes that Gabe would come to him in his time of need, because it is his greatest desire to help his children work through their problems.

"Everyone says, 'Oh, of course he's part of the family. He's one of us.' But I'm not," Gabe says. Despite his family members expressing how terrified they are by his addiction, and the sadness that his misery brings them, he continues to deny that they can understand what he is going through because they have not been through a similar experience. His interventionist, Candi Finnigan, who was adopted and is a recovering addict, says that Gabe's "family of origin" trauma arises from his abadonment. The fact that she has personal experience with adoption and addiction brings great relief to Gabe's family while preparing for his intervention. Finnigan says from Gabe's perspective, "It's everybody else's fault...I do it because you don't love me the way you love everybody else. I do it because I look different. I do it because I feel different." She identifies that his family's intense faith causes Gabe to feel that he has failed them, and it allows him to further separate himself from the family.

During the intervention, Gabe's mother recalls tucking him into his new bed on the night that they brought him home, and telling him that she loved him in Bengali, the only language he knew up to that point. At first, Gabe seems resistant to the idea of entering treatment, but after hearing from his family members, he agrees to go. Though he says that his body is telling him to run, he enters detox and treatment. His therapist at the recovery center says, "I think for Gabe, he wants to be in control in terms of how much he trusts people, but he wants to have people in his life...You can see it." Gabe expresses that when he completes treatment, he would like to go to college and study psychology so that he can help children. His parents are attending twelve-step meetings. Gabe relapsed twice during treatment, but remained in the program, and returned to his hometown after five months. He has plans to move into sober living, and has been sober since March 2009.